


I Take One Step Forward...

by AnotherWorld3111



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Don't worry Jared isn't evil, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Guilty Jared Padalecki, Hurt Jensen Ackles, I'm not surprised those weren't tags already, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Loose Endings, M/M, Manipulation, Nice Emily Swallow, Protective Emily Swallow, Regret, Suicide Attempt, Though there are, i know who'd have thought id of all people do that huh, reunited
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-03
Updated: 2018-10-03
Packaged: 2019-07-24 10:30:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16173269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnotherWorld3111/pseuds/AnotherWorld3111
Summary: And two steps back, right into your arms.





	I Take One Step Forward...

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Fill me with doubt](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8068525) by [Sanshal](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sanshal/pseuds/Sanshal). 



> fuck titles and summaries honestly  
> Also, i realized that since i hate typing on my mobile device's keyboard, but i cant exactly lug my big ass computer with me to class, apparently i feel at ease if i write on paper instead! so cue me writing fanfics outside of class, and later stuffing these sheets down the recycling bin on campus for whoever to find

The first thing that came to Jared’s mind when he entered the house was,  _ loud.  _ Blinking, Jared stared around him, wondering if he walked into the right house. Because there was no way this…  _ disco party  _ was the event his employer had invited him to.

Except there was his employer herself, grinning down at him like a vulture as she swooped in to greet him, air-kissing the sides of his face.

“Ah, Jared, thought you wouldn’t make it,” Emily said, her voice practically a purr as she looked Jared up and down. Swallowing, Jared rethought his choice of outfit. Had the definition of casual formal changed since he’d last checked? Because the dress Emily wore was… well. Up front was business. But when she turned his back to him to set the bottle of champagne he’d brought on a nearby table, he’d blanched at her naked back, her lower half only covered by the same color of her dress… but the material was lace. 

Closing his eyes, Jared took a deep breath – yep, alcohol, smoke, and sex in the air – rapidly recomposed himself, and had a pleasant smile easily pasted to his face by the time Emily looked back at him. Flattening out the front of her dress, the fabric there thankfully a lot more solid and covering, she stepped forward elegantly on heels that brought him up to the same height as him, laying a hand on his arm to gently guide him to where the actual party was.

“Come along, Jared. I’ve got so many people I’d like for you to meet! I told you that you had potential that would be rewarded, didn’t I?” She said, continuing to talk. But Jared couldn’t really hear her anymore, considering that the moment they stepped into the fray of the party, the sound of the people around him combined with the heavy bass music pretty much muted out her words. Resigned, Jared just went along with her lead, mind already fixated on the handful of painkillers he was going to need for the headache he was sure to get after a night of mindlessly smiling and nodding.

Sure enough, Emily started parading Jared around to people he figured he should be sucking up to. But by the second man who was dripping sweat from his bald head and through his – regrettably – white clothes, Jared was done.

“Uh, Ms. Swallow,” Jared said loudly, leaning away from the bald man who was threatening to faceplant on Jared’s chest. Jared never would have thought he’d see highly reputable people become so blindingly drunk in public. And he wished he never had to, either. “I’m going to go get a drink if you don’t mind…” he said right into Emily’s ear.

Only for her to latch back onto his arm with her sharp nails. “Oh, but I’ve got to introduce you to my friend! Don’t worry, he’s not someone who’ll determine your bright future,” Emily said, not letting Jared voice any protests. “He’s actually just visiting. Taking some time off he said,” she continued to natter on, dragging Jared through her crowded house as she looked for this elusive friend of hers. If Emily wasn’t the best employer Jared could ask for, he would have given up all of his self-restraint in order to just break free from her hold, and high-tail it home. As it was, he could only be pulled along, helpless, as Emily maneuvered through room after room before she eventually stumbled outside. Blinking, Jared gratefully took a deep inhale of the fresh air, reorienting himself as Emily – miraculously – chose that moment to finally let go of his sore arm. No doubt there were going to be nail marks that Jared would be able to find the next morning, despite his thick shirt.

Taking in his surroundings, Jared noticed that he was in a garden, the hedges nearby large enough to loom even over him. It was thick and extended as far as he could see that he guessed it could have resembled a maze shrouded in darkness, had it not been for the bright white lamp posts stationed every few meters. As it was, it just looked like an intimidating maze. Ensuring his back was to the wall of Emily’s house so that he wouldn’t get lost as well on top of everything that had already occurred this night, Jared tuned back into his senses. Turning to Emily, he distantly realized that she’d been talking to someone else the entire time Jared was looking around.

Coming face-to-face with Emily’s back would have been enough reason for Jared to turn right back around. Except his eyes fell on the person Emily was talking to. The ground fell away from under his feet in synchronization just as Jensen shifted, and their eyes met.

Eyes widening in recognition, Jensen paled.

“–And this is my protégé, Jared Padalecki. He’s destined for great things, I’m telling you, Jenny. Jared, this is Jensen Ackles. He’s quite a dear family friend of mine. Darling boy wanted to visit me out of the blue! Oh, and such a pleasant surprise–” Emily continued to gush, but as the world slipped away from Jared, he realized he had reached the end of his rope and simply couldn’t take it anymore. 

“If you’ll excuse me,” Jared said stiffly, interrupting Emily. Not even glancing at her, however, Jared tore his eyes away from the sight of a thoroughly nauseated looking Jensen, and walked away. He didn’t turn back once as he exited the house, nor when he got into his car and proceeded to drive away.

oOo

Monday came too soon, in Jared’s opinion. He’d debated all through Sunday to call in sick, if not resigning completely. But at the last moment, in a moment of absolute stupidity, Jared straightened, a cold mask of steely indifference slipping over his face. With it came the heavy weight returning to his shoulders, something Jared had long since gotten used to carround around in the past year. His carefully constructed facade didn’t come without a price, after all. So there was no way Jared was just going to throw everything away now, as if it had all been for naught. No, Jared was going to put on his big boy pants, and face this head-on.

So. Yeah. A bout of stupidity had Jared preparing for work, but he couldn’t see the ridiculousness of the situation once he realized that there was no reason for him to be worried in the first place. It wasn’t like he was going to face any  _ problems  _ at work, was he?

With that firmly in mind, Jared’s stride oozed utter confidence as he walked into his office building the next morning.

Only to falter when he heard Emily’s PA speaking on the phone, looking thoroughly harried.

“–Mister, I’m sorry, sir. But Ms. Swallow has left the office under  _ strict  _ instructions to not contact her until she returns. There’s nothing I can do for you right now,” Keith beseeched, his eyes closed as the hand that wasn’t holding the phone to his ear pinched the bridge of his nose, his glasses pushed up in the process. “Although I can guarantee you that I will notify her upon her turn–” Keith clenched his jaw shut with an audible clack as the person on the other end of the line obviously cut in. He not so patiently waited for him to finish before he replied, his face and voice mockingly polite. That didn’t make it too hard for Jared to notice the murderous look in his eyes.

“Yes. Of course, my apologies, sir. I’ll be sure to do that. You have a wonderful day.” Rolling his eyes, he cut the call by slamming the phone back into its holder as one last act of passable aggression. Keith reached across his desk, hand aiming for a pile of sticky notes when he froze as he finally noticed Jared standing there. “Oh!” He sat back, startled as he straightened awkwardly in his chair, looking decidedly uncomfortable as he tilted his head up to be able to meet Jared’s eyes. “Mr. Padalecki! I’m so sorry I didn’t notice you – is there anything I may help you with?” He inquired, eyes wide.

Pausing, Jared glanced at the phone that Keith had been talking into only a moment ago.

“Uh, yeah.” He said, despite himself. He couldn’t help it. Jared couldn’t remember a single day Emily had taken a day off since he’d joined the company, so of course he needed to ask. “Did you say Ms. Swallow isn’t in today?” He said, unable to prevent the bewilderness from slipping out.

However, Keith only pursed his lips with an understanding look on his face. “Yes, she never came in. Didn’t hear from her over the entire weekend, actually! Today, I came in, and she wasn’t here,” he leaned forward in his seat, lowering his voice as if sharing a conspiracies. Jared felt himself leaning forward in surprise as well. Ms. Emily Swallow was notoriously famous for being practically married to her work, and Jared had always trusted her like a strict regime – to think that she would deter even slightly from her ways was to believe that pigs could fly. “And – instead of an email, I got a phone call from Ms. Swallow herself!” Keith exclaimed with astonishment. “She sounded so – uncomposed, you know?” Truthfully, Jared didn’t – couldn’t imagine Emily ever sounding like that. “Said not to disturb her until further notice, something about a family emergency, and then – that’s it! Cut the call, just like that!” Keith suddenly collapsed back against his chair, suddenly looking dazed. “I didn’t even know Ms. Swallow had family.”

Jared froze, his heart coming to a stop.

“Neither did I,” he finally managed to reply after too long of a pause. But he wasn’t paying any attention to Keith anymore anyway. His mind was stuck on a jarring loop of Friday night as he pushed himself away from Keith’s desk. Jared couldn’t feel his limbs, yet still, he found himself standing in his office when he came to again.

What the hell was happening?

oOo

Getting information from Keith would have been an impossible task, especially because the guy was oblivious to the information Jared needed. Getting it from Emily’s butler – yes, an actual butler. This, thankfully, wasn’t as surprising – on the other hand… was far too easier than Jared expected. As it was, all he could manage was a distrustful glare before quickly going on his way, not wanting to question a gift horse in its mouth.

But as he put in the location that Emily was at into his GPS, the place that popped up… Jared didn’t know how he felt. Horrified? Angry? Nauseous? Afraid?

Although all these emotions were bouncing at the back of his mind, as if trying to make Jared face the fact that instead of feeling any of these, he was just feeling… blatantly empty. And it continued to stay so as he parked his car and entered the brick building, not really looking at the person behind the desk. Curtis had been all too willing to let Jared know exactly where Emily was, after all.

But nothing Curtis could have said – not that he did in the first place – could have prepared Jared for the sight that greeted him when he stopped at the door of the room where Emily was. 

His boss was a mess. Tears streaming down her face, she was otherwise deadly silent, her hands clasped to her mouth. But between her hands… was another hand, as thin as the person it belonged to. 

Jared’s stomach sank as he took in the sight of Jensen, looking too pale, too sick… gaunt. Like he was on death’s door. Jensen was staring listlessly outside the hospital window, and it didn’t make anything about the sight in front of Jared better. 

He didn’t know how long he’d been standing there when Emily abruptly broke the silence, looking hopefully up at Jensen.

“Jensen, sweety?” She tried. From the tone of her voice, and even her posture… Jared had a feeling this wasn’t the first time Emily tried getting Jensen’s attention.

And when Jensen didn’t reply… Emily stifled a sob, dropping her forehead to her hands. 

Unable to watch any longer, Jared retreated, walking all the way until he was out of that specific hallway, before his legs failed him, and he was forced to lean against a wall. Tilting his head back until it hit the cold surface behind him, Jared closed his eyes, breathing deeply.

“Jared?” Emily’s voice caused Jared’s eyes to snap open. He stared at his employer, words failing to come to his mind. His voice wasn’t working either, Jared realized.

And Emily must have understood that, sharp as she was, because she closed her eyes, taking a deep inhale. Jared avoided looking at her as she sniffled.

“Walk with me.” She said, and turned, not bothering to check if Jared was following her abrupt demand. Yet, he was already pushing himself away from the wall, his legs surprising him at the swift surge of strength, helping him trail quietly behind Emily. Walking aimlessly through the hallways, Emily broke the silence, her hands tucked under her armpits.

“He was in love, my dear boy.” Jared’s head snapped up, staring sharply at the back of Emily’s head. “Not was. Is,” she corrected herself. “With a young, good man. Jensen was head over heels, completely gone over his boyfriend.” She abruptly turned a corner, bringing them to the lobby. Floundering, Jared hesitantly came to stand beside where Emily stopped, staring intently at the aquarium. Peering at the glass, Jared stared at Emily’s reflection instead. “He never had to say anything, because Jensen is more of the ‘actions speak louder than words’ kind of man.”

Jared’s hands clenched into fists within his pockets.

“But I could tell, just from his voice over the phone. It was clear that he would do anything. That’s Jensen,” Emily smiled faintly. “Absolutely dedicated and loyal to those he loves.” Nostrils flaring, Jared looked away. He suddenly didn’t know what he was doing here, why he was quietly letting Emily talk instead of turning and walking away. Like he did on Friday night.

“Of course, we never…” Taking a deep breath, Emily tried again. “We didn’t understand why Jensen chose to work at the IRS. Man like him, we thought he would go for something a little less… I don’t know. Official? Restrictive? Federal,” Emily eventually settled on. Jared could feel himself sympathizing with her, he could remember always being completely confounded whenever Jensen complained about his work only to loyally go in the next day anyway. “Something he could be understandably passionate about,” Emily continued. “But he seemed content, so none of us ever said anything.

“We should have.” Emily suddenly said defiantly. Jared turned to look at her directly, admittedly still too confused with where the conversation was going, to continue the pretense of not looking at Emily in the eye. “His last case cost him everything. His job, his love… his will to live.” Voice catching, Emily paused. 

Meanwhile, JAred’s hands went slack in his pockets, unable to believe that what he was hearing was true. And as if hearing his thoughts, Emily turned, meeting Jared’s gaze square on. “He was looking into Morgan’s Enterprises. Their entire funding was supported by black money. Illegal.” Emily elaborated succinctly.

“No,” Jared whispered, finally breaking the silence. Dread trickled down his spine.

Emily nodded flatly. “Yes. He went against Jeffrey Dean Morgan himself, warning him that he was going to shut down Morgan Enterprises. But, of course, Jeffrey had done his homework. Threatened Jensen right back.” Emily crossed her arms tightly.

“What–what the fuck did he do to Jensen?” Jared growled. Emily huffed, a humorless smile passing her lips.

“Told Jensen he’d make sure his lover’s entire future would be dragged through the gutters, and that would just be him starting. And how convenient, Jensen’s boyfriend was working for Morgan.”

Jared blanched, taking a step back as he felt the blood leave his face. “But–but he did shut down Morgan–” he stammered. Emily was already shaking her head impatiently.

“They came to a ‘deal’ of sorts.” Emily clenched her jaw. “Morgan would let Jensen’s boyfriend free if Jensen stepped down. But that’s when Jensen realized that you were unknowingly tried too deeply with majority of Morgan’s more… incriminating reports.”

“That’s why–” Jared started, horrified realization dawning on him.

“Mhm. That’s why Jensen sabotaged your job so that it looked like you were the one one to shut down Morgan’s enterprises before it could ‘crash in the stock market.’”

“Then why didn’t he say anything?” Jared exploded, forgetting where they were. But glaring down at Emily’s fearless face, the glares from other passing nurses and patients didn’t register. “In fact – why didn’t we know – why doesn’t anyone know who Morgan really is?”

“High status connections,” Emily simply responded. “Morgan enterprises may have shut down, but J.D. wasn’t stopped. He was the one who cost Jensen his job, dignity… and you.”

“Jeff–he told me Jensen was working for the rivaling company. Was using me to feed information… which is why he’d been so interested in my job… In me.” Jared said faintly. This time, his legs really did give away from under him, and he fell heavily atop a nearby chair. He buried his face in his hands. “Oh my god,” he whispered into his palms.

Vaguely, he heard Emily sit beside him, though she didn’t touch him.

“Morgan continued to use his connections to make Jensen’s life a living hell,” she said softly.

Jared dragged his hands through his hair, digging his nails into his scalp. “What did he do?”

“Morgan?” At Jared’s silent nod, Emily hesitated, leaning back into her chair. “I… don’t know. Jensen never said anything, even though with each passing day he was visibly deteriorating with whatever Morgan was throwing at him, until…” her voice trailed off, yet Jared didn’t need her to specify anything further.

Letting his arms drop to his knees, Jared muttered to the floor. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

He felt Emily’s eyes burn holes through the sides of his head in response. “Because I didn’t know it was you that Jensen is in love with until he tried to kill himself again this weekend.”

oOo

Visiting hours had long since ended, but Emily had pulled some strings with the hospital staff. Which was how Jared found himself standing outside Jensen’s room for the second time that day. This time, however, Jared took a step forward, and entered into the room.

“Jens?” His voice was soft, hesitant. And had he not been looking for it, Jared would have missed the stiffening of Jensen’s muscles.

Daring to venture further inside, Jared tried again.

“Jensen, sweetheart?”

A choked sob escaped Jensen, and Jared stared in alarm as Jensen crumpled.

“Hey, hey, hey.” Swiftly closing the distance between them, Jared sat right beside Jensen’s legs on the hospital bed. His eyes watered at the sight of tears already pouring in rapid succession down Jensen’s face. Jared reached for the thin hands clutching desperately at the blanket on top of Jensen’s lap. But he faltered when he noticed the thick bandages wrapped around Jensen’s wrists for the first time. Heart constricting, Jared quelled the urge to throw up, and resolutely placed his hands atop Jensen’s. His large hands completely dwarfing Jensen’s didn’t pass Jared, and a small, sad smile momentarily stretched his lips as he tugged. Relentless in his actions, Jensen eventually gave in, nonetheless looking devastated as he let Jared bring his hands to his mouth. Pressing a kiss to the too thin and bony fingers, Jared closed his eyes. A tear slipped out, falling on Jensen’s hand.

“J-Jare?”

Gasping slightly, Jared’s eyes flew open as he stared at Jensen in shock. Jensen’s eyes searched his face. For what, Jared didn’t know, but he didn’t particularly care either, because Jensen was  _ looking  _ at him. And when Jensen’s eyes finally met his gaze again, Jared felt his heart relax.

“I’m sorry,” he said in a rush, before Jensen could say anything. “God, I’m so sorry. I never should have let you go, never should have doubted you. God, Jensen, I am so, so very sorry.” Unable to help himself, Jared extended a hand to cradle the side of Jensen’s gaunt face. And though Jensen was still staring at Jared with disbelief written all over his face, he still nuzzled into the palm of Jared’s hands. Feeling a choked sob of his own break loose from his chest, Jared smiled helplessly through watery eyes. Leaning forward, he let his forehead connect with Jensen’s. Jared held on tight to Jensen’s hands as he let free the apologies jumbling up within him, whispering it in the scarce gap between them.

“Jare, Jesus. Jared,” Jensen eventually spoke, sounding overwhelmed. He pulled back, Jared reluctantly leaning back as well, but Jensen didn’t let go of Jared’s hand, holding onto him just as much as Jared was holding onto him. “Why–why are you apologizing? You’ve done nothing wrong!”

Jared gaped. “Nothing? Jens – I’m the fucking reason you’re like this right now!” He stared pointedly at Jensen and their surroundings. “I never should have hurt you like this. God. What kind of person am I?” He bemoaned, his chest tightening. But Jensen shook his head, clutching at Jared’s fingers.

“You behaved just like anyone else would have done in your position, Jared. None of this is your fault.” He said seriously.

Jared sniffled, but immediately straightened. “Oh, yeah? So what, is this J.D. Morgan’s doing then?” Jared hated himself when Jensen predictably paled, but he still couldn’t help but think with grim satisfaction,  _ bingo. _

“What did he do, Jensen?”

However, Jensen looked away. “It’s… you shouldn’t have to worry about me, Jared. I went against J.D. unprepared for the consequences. It’s too late for me to get out of this.” He swiftly turned to Jared, looking broken-hearted as a fresh wave of tears surged up to his eyes, even as he said firmly, “But you got out of this, Jared. You’re out, and I don’t want you dragged back into this. So just, leave.” Jensen pulled his hands free. “Please, Jared. Just… go. Don’t look back. Pretend you never saw me, and go live a long, happy life.” Jensen said to his hands, now clutching at the blanket again, scrunching up the fabric.

“I can’t believe you.” Jared said, Jensen’s head snapping up. “I can’t believe that you’d think I’d, what, just leave you here like this? After everything?” Jared exclaimed. Ignoring Jensen’s silent plea in his eyes to let the matter go, Jared surged forward and did the exact opposite. Holding on tight to the sides of Jensen’s head with both hands, he said, his tone brooking no space for arguments or protests. “I’m never letting you go again, Jens. You get me? I am  _ never.  _ Leaving you again.” That said and done, with his words still lingering in the air between them, Jared leaned forward and pressed his lips to Jensen’s, unbudging.

Too long moments later, Jensen’s lips hesitantly responded against Jared’s.

Sighing as Jensen let him in, Jared felt the heavy weight he’d been carrying around on his shoulders finally fade away.


End file.
